Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Get a Move On.

The university back east has been gracious enough to pay for our move. Today I had a surveyor come and estimate the amount of truck space we'll need for all of our junk. One problem -- I had massive diarrhea. It came on just before the surveyor came to the door. I figured, "Hey, I'm a grown man. I'll hold it."

It was terrible. The guy was really chatty. I certainly didn't want to let him roam around our house alone. Oh God did I need to go. "So, heading out to Boston are you? I lived there for a while. What a great town. In fact, we're planning a trip out that way... By the way, did I mention I was a cop before I got into the moving business, yeah that was lots of fun but I'm making plenty of cash in this business yes sir I drive a Cadillac and it feels like I'm riding on air what kinda car are you drivin' these days..."

"Please hurry," I mumbled. "What's that," he asked, "did you say something?" "No, no, take your time, I want you to do the best job that you can," I said. In the meantime, my body was gurgling, "Help! Get this crap out of here!" "Hey, sounds like you didn't have breakfast," he said, "yup, I have a solid breakfast every morning, in fact we bought this waffle maker that..." I kept trying to keep his focus on the furniture. No matter what I did, he wouldn't stop talking.

"Hey, that dining table looks heavy, could you help me lift it? I'm trying to get a gauge on its weight," he asked. I swear, I felt beads of sweat developing on my forehead. I really had to take a crap, how the hell am I going to help lift the dining table? I mustered up all the sphincter strength I had and lifted the table with him.

As we rounded into the hallway and the bathroom, I saw that my beloved pet was taking a massive crap in the litter box. God, did I envy him. He's an animal, but I'm sure he did it to spite me. "Whoa, looks like your cat really needs to go... whew, that stinks. Did I mention that my wife has a cat? Yeah, we've had him for about five years now I don't care much for pets but my wife really loves him are you going to take him with you, because if you are then there's a bunch of stuff you gotta do to get him on the plane. By the way, what airline are you flying with? I hear they got all these new fares that are..."

All in all, I kept the flood gates closed for a solid hour and a half while this guy went on and on about his 4 kids that want to go to college. "Say, can I give you my business card, you've got lots of knowledge about universities, I'd love to have them give you a call... actually, would you like to meet up another time to hang out?" By this point I was desperate, "Sure, sure, whatever you want. Are we done? I've got lots of shit to take care of and really need to get going."

Never before did the toilet feel more comforting. I felt like my body had reached the land of milk and honey. What a lesson in self denial...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Reminds me of a time when I was on the BART with my wife going to the airport. We had all this bags for a two week trip and it hits me. I start moving around and get all red faced abd sweatly. My wife asks if I am ok but I say I am fine. After another few stops I tell here I might have to get off to go to the bath room. The great thing about BART is that they have closed half the station bathrooms underground for fear of a terrorist in the crapper. So we get to a station above ground and I cannot take it, I bolt for the door almost leaving my wife and bags behind. We made it out with our bags and then I ran up stairs to the john. We caught the next train. I think I was about to loose it in my shorts.

3:29 PM  
Blogger An80sNut said...

I'm still trying to figure out what the term "regular" means. Does that mean that you go 4 hours after you wake up, an hour or two after you eat lunch and sometime at night? Is it just that you have to go regularly as opposed to irregularly? It it that you have to dump solid and not runny because solid is supposed to be "regular." I don't think I could have made it an hour and a half. I would have probably answered his breakfast question with... actually, I've been sick and don't know when I'm going to heave next.

3:39 PM  
Anonymous Holy Crap said...

If you held it for an hour and a half, then it wasn't diarrhea. I mean, if that chocolate soft serve wants to come out, then it's just coming out. Theres no controlling the flood gates!

3:47 PM  
Blogger Vavoom said...

Holy: All though the evidence is probably somewhere in the San Francisco Bay by now, I assure you, it was chocolate milk. You underestimate my power...

3:50 PM  
Anonymous Holy Crap said...

No human sphincter could possibly delay such an event for and hour and a half. Mud, probably. Melted carmel, maybe. Chocolate milk, no way.

4:44 PM  
Blogger Vavoom said...

Holy: I assure you, it was chocolate milk. This is a tale of suffering. Caramel doesn't entail suffering... An hour and a half of chocolate milk does.

4:49 PM  
Anonymous Holier Crap Than Thou said...

Holy: I think you severely underestimate the sheer force of Vavoom's sphincter. Its mammoth vice-like grip is truly something to behold!

4:50 PM  
Blogger dreadcow said...

Reminds me of our last field stay. 5 days long, I didn't use the sit-down-toilet until we got back. I hate pooing in the woods. It's the most akward thing in the world. Thank God Iraq will at least have a latrine.

6:01 PM  
Anonymous The woodsman said...

Reminds me of this time I was in the woods and had to crap. Well there was a downed tree so I sat on it like a bench hanging my ass off the back and crapped. All was going well (quite comfortable really), and I was just finishing up when there was a sickening cracking sound. Yup, you guessed it, the tree gave way. Not pretty.

7:02 PM  
Blogger Raine said...

I have -0- experience with what you're speaking of. ;-)

7:35 PM  
Blogger thc said...

Great post, V. Albeit just a tad graphic.

9:21 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

I didn't mean to laugh while reading your post but OMG did I laugh. Your description seemed so clear that I felt your pain.
But I know where you are coming from. Ever since I had my gallbladder removed I can't tolerate a really fatty meal... like say Mcdonald's, Taco Bell, chip wagon fries... mmmm.
Anyway, I know all the restrooms and a 2 hour radius of my house. ;-)

10:27 PM  
Anonymous tomw said...

Are you flying or driving? If you're driving, you can stop here...we have three bathrooms.

10:30 PM  
Anonymous Holy Crap said...

Tomw: Be careful what you wish for! If you aren't a professional plummer or can't wield a mean plunger, then I think Vavoom might make short work of those three bathrooms. I mean, did you read that posting!?!?!?!

12:00 AM  
Blogger dahvid said...

*kow tow* your as- i mean, your err... 'buttocks' are real fantastic man! *eyes turning green with envy* haha

12:16 AM  
Blogger Merry Stitcher said...

V - I tried to respond earlier, but I had to go.........(inspired by your post.)

Two things: If this science gig doesn't work out, you'll always have your dangerously descriptive writing!
And, did you consider that this might be a sign from the universe that you're supposed to stay right here?

Just wonderin'

10:47 AM  
Anonymous Holy Crap said...

I think it was a sign from the universe that something was already moving....

10:53 AM  
Anonymous PhatPharma said...

If this doesn't prove that people prefer your life stories to your science updates, I don't know what will. No one love a good poop joke as much as you do. Maybe you should start up an official forum for those with irritable bowels. Everyone has one of these stories, unfortunately mine involves the dumbarton bridge in dead stopped traffic...Burger King never provided so much relief before or since.

2:34 PM  
Blogger fuzk said...

oh man.. this is hilarious.. you're too nice! you should just have told him to wait up while you go take your crap.. one and a half hours.. you the man! haha

2:10 PM  

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