Saturday, May 21, 2005

Oucho.


I don't go to the dentist frequently. Why? Our family went to a dentist named Dr. Howard Stein when I was young. The place was a chop shop for molars. "If you've got 'em, we'll pull 'em" should of been their motto. It was sort of like the Kaiser Permanente of dentistry, absent the skilled health care workers. I never understood why they were so rough with me. I never understood why they pulled so many of my teeth. On the bright side, I made a killing from the tooth fairy.

Well, Dr. Stein, my family dentist, ended up on 60 Minutes. I kid you not. He was exposed for performing unnecessary procedures on his patients and bilking insurance companies for heaps of money.

Since then, I've stayed far far away from dentists. Yesterday was my triumphant return to the world of pain and misery that is dentistry. When I first sat down in the chair, I was surprised how comfortable it was. I actually thought, "hey, this is going to be great." The assistant came by to take x-rays. I remembered how much I hated biting down on those film cartridges. "Keep smiling while I take the x-ray, honey, they'll come out better that way." As she stepped back to take the x-ray she said, "Hey, come to think of it, I know your wife -- She's Mrs. Vavoom, right?" "Uhh huh," I muttered through the pocket of film. "She's gorgeous," she replied. Another dental assistant overheard this and said, "Mrs. Vavoom, she's your wife? That can't be possible... what a mismatch. You know, Dr. A is single and he really likes your wife." They both started laughing hysterically. "Keep smiling honey, don't stop smiling... that'll mess up the x-ray." Great.

The dentist, Dr. A, and another assistant came by to check out my pearly whites. This assistant was that prototypical overly nice person. You know, the kind that says "goodness gracious me" in under a second. She kept saying, "oh gosh" and shook her head while they checked out my teeth. The dentist, kept shushing her and giving her dirty looks everytime she pulled that crap. "You know, your wife, she's fantastic," the overly kind woman said, "she gives us all free financial advice and, oh gosh look at that gum pocket Dr. A." "Shush!" While hunched over my teeth, the doctor eventually said, in a lascivious tone, "Your wife, Vavoom, is quite the looker. I'm always glad when she comes through here. It's always fun to have her in the chair." I wanted to stand up and say, "What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Shut your mouth and work on mine!" Instead I simply muttered, "Uhh huh."

When all was said and done, I was diagnosed with eight, count 'em, ocho cavities. I'm going back today to get drilled. I'm not sure what's worse -- going to a dentist that'll pull my teeth unnecessarily, or going to one that's got the hots for my wife.

19 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, your wife is really hot!! I mean, I'd... Well, you know. Who wouldn't?!??!

1:52 PM  
Blogger Vavoom said...

anonymous: Are you my dentist? Take a cold shower, Carmine.

2:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nope, I only wish I were her dentist...

Yowzers!

2:50 PM  
Blogger Mentally Challenged said...

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

I just got around to making a Saturday
post and faster than a speeding bullet, "chaude" had two comments up
on it with links to photographs of a real "f...".
I just had my first taste of an area of blogging I am not interested in.

3:04 PM  
Blogger Vavoom said...

Mentally: Was it a photo of my dentist? He really does come across as slimy. Excuse my french, it was what I was thinking at the time...

3:09 PM  
Blogger dreadcow said...

If I had a wife people were drooling over, I'd be one proud ass son of a bitch! Trophy wife, woo!!

Army wants to pull my wisdom teeth... All 4. I'm skeeeeeered!

3:13 PM  
Blogger Lady of the House said...

At least you can take solace in the fact that as long as he’s drilling you, you know he’s not drilling your wife :)

3:18 PM  
Blogger Mentally Challenged said...

vavoom:

I am having a real problem with "chaude" today, he has been back
for a third post of what you
called his "junk" when you
visited my site and the Libranos
News article, and posted a comment concerning chaudes "crap". Pardon
my french.

6:07 PM  
Blogger Fred said...

I've had the same problem with this Chaude thing today. I sent a note to Blogger and we'll see what happens.

7:19 PM  
Blogger A Fashionista said...

LOL Those comments about your wife and the comments about your gums are hysterical! Those dental folk.... they always make you talk when your mouth has something in them. Sad dental humor. Sorry about the 8 cavities. Eeeesh that's bad. That means shots. Oucho

8:16 PM  
Blogger Raine said...

EIGHT cavities?! I hope you have good dental insurance!

9:53 PM  
Blogger An80sNut said...

Actually, I would have asked for a referral for a second opinion. If I heard more than once from the guy about how good looking she was, POW! right in the kisser. Ok, I wouldn't have but I'd be pissed. As for dentists, I avoided them for almost 8 years and only wound up with 2 cavities. And now, I'm always worried about flossing. I think they instill paranoia.

1:30 AM  
Blogger Fei said...

Dentists are the Doctors that didn't make the cut in Med School. ha. Seinfeld himself is an anti-dentite.

3:04 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

8 cavities?!? Ouch! Hope the drillin' and fillin' went well enough.
That is a freaky story about your ex dentist being on 60 minutes. No wonder you were hestitant about going again.
And as for your curent dentist how how much he likes your wife, I think it is very unprofessional.

5:48 AM  
Blogger boabhan sith said...

Your dentist wasn't the one performing oral sex on his knocked out patients was he?

LOL...talk about oral care!

Hehehe, my bad.

I hated the dentist, but I went to my husbands about two years ago and I swear I didn't feel anything even though he gave me two shots. He's the best damn dentist, I swear!

10:14 AM  
Blogger mel said...

this post makes me want to laugh...


... and floss.

1:05 PM  
Blogger Moose said...

While it's cool that you have a hot wife, I think it might concern me a little. I've never met a dentist that "open"

1:48 PM  
Blogger Meow said...

Mentally challenged and Moose "Lighten Up" those dental people are as droll as droll gets. They are sad little people in a sad little world and talking shit is the only amusement they have in life. As for the 8 cavities. EEEP!
I'm scared for you. Once I was so scared,(I was 19) I slid out of the chair. I just dreaded that 4th visit to get the last wisdom tooth out. It took 4 visits, cuz I was too pussy back then to do them all at once.

2:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know this blog entry is 2 yrs old or so, but. . . I worked at Dr. Stein's chop-shop in Paramount for 3 months. The place scared the heck out of me. Wouldn't let any of them get near my mouth! Doing some fraud work right now, looked him up, found your blog entry and also found out he's still a licensed dentist and working in Huntington Beach. Unbelievable! Not one word on CA dental license Web site about his fraudulent dental past. Unbelievable!

1:40 AM  

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