Saturday, May 07, 2005


The plane trip to my parent's place was nothing short of interesting. In typical fashion we sat on the runway for 45 minutes waiting. No, no mechanical problems with the plane. No, no issue with weather. Why did we have to wait so long? We didn't have a pilot. Apparently someone made the brilliant mistake of thinking the plane could fly itself. It was a fun 45 minutes. I was sitting between my wife and and your average 400 pound woman. No joke. This woman was really large. I've got broad shoulders. This lady had broad everything. I scrunched my body in so powerfully I thought I could hold a dollar bill between my pecks. Helping matters was her fantastic sense of humor, "Boy, we sure are crammed in here like sardines!" I kid you not, she repeated that statement 10 times.

When the plane took off, things didn't improve. I ordered my traditional spicy tomato juice for the flight. My wife had water. My broad everythinged neighbor had ginger ale. I'm not sure how or why it happened, but this lady spilled ginger ale all over me and herself. Of course, there was no apology. Rather, she said, "Give me your napkin, quick! I think some of this soda got on my purse!" I could only respond, "I'll need my napkin to wipe the ginger ale off myself, thanks." "My purse is much more expensive than your shirt," the lady said.

Why do shenanigans follow me wherever I go? I'm beginning to see the charm of overpriced first class tickets. No more days as a ginger ale soaked sardine, I tell you.
In any case, I'm home and it's great. I'm heading over to the beach to go surfing today. God, this week is gonna be great.


Blogger GSR said...

Oh, how I can relate. I just did a quick one nighter from NH to FL and back and it was the usual hassle with grumpy airline people, stupid passengers (no enormous ones next to me, thank goodnes) and the typical flight delay.

1:10 PM  
Blogger Moose said...

I would have been tempted to explain that she should have thought of her purse before she spilled her drink. I would have continued by giving her an explanation of how liquid containers work, and the tendency for liquid outside of a container to not maintain its shape inside the container. But I'm an ass.

1:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I bet the flight was full. Did she need a belt extender. I think that is the cut off before they should have to pay for another seat. Did you at least move up the arm rest between your wife and you so you could both be compressed.

8:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope you at least insisted that the armrest stay down between you and the Beluga.

You should have buzzed the Stewartess and pointed out that the Beluga was occupying part of your seat.

1:26 AM  
Blogger Vavoom said...

Moose: No, you're not an ass. I'm just a sucker. That's why I didn't proceed to do as you would have.
gsr: Isn't it amazing how a simple flight can become so ridiculously complicated?
anonymous (#1 and #2): Yup, she had a belt extender. Nah, I spared my wife the grief and took the cellulite smashing hit myself. Next time I'll probably alert the stewardess. I really need to grow some cajones.

3:51 AM  
Blogger boko said...

My flights tend to be so damn monotonous...maybe I should try and sit myself next to more interesting people. :)

5:50 AM  
Blogger Vavoom said...

boko: Just saw your blog. Thanks again. That was awesome!

12:26 PM  
Blogger neil said...

So did you kill that lady or what? You should probably bust a cap, in the original meaning of the term.

2:26 PM  
Blogger Rattie said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:12 PM  
Blogger Raine said...

Beach? Surfing? Ack! I'm jealous!

6:57 PM  
Blogger SheaNC said...

Pperhaps she was from Sardina..?

12:15 AM  
Blogger Meow said...

It's the reason I always ask for a window side aisle seat. I need room to breath in case there's a lard ass next to me, at least I have the aisle to pivot my body towards without worrying about being face to face with another human. LOL

12:59 AM  
Blogger Vavoom said...

On my way back, I promise you all -- I'll find some bulemic teenager to sit next to. Wait, if she's bulemic then I might end up with something worse than ginger all all over me...

9:22 AM  

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