Saturday, June 11, 2005

Scientific Diva.

"You're the meaning in my life. You're the inspiration. You bring feeling to my life. You're the inspiration..."

I'd heard the song before, but never sung so badly. The lab I work at currently consists of a consortium of scientists from four different research groups. This means that we have a huge number of people working together. This one person, about two benches away, thinks she's the next American Idol. She turns her iPod on and decides to rock out to the worst music on the planet. Her voice is atrocious. It would have been better if there were at least some instrumentals accompanying.

"And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIeeeeeIIIIIIIIIII will always love yooouuuu."

Look, if you sound like Whitney Houston, by all means -- sing out loud. For God's sake, if you sound like my cat when I step on his tail, whistle, hum, anything. Just don't sing.

Yesterday I was setting up a very detail oriented experiment. Guess what I heard? "You're here, there's nothing I fear, and I know that my heart will go oooooonn..." At this point, I wanted to put her and her bad singing voice on a nice barge and sail it into an iceberg.

"Excuse me. I'm sorry to trouble you, but I'm trying to set up this experiment. Could you keep it down for 30 minutes or so till I finish? I can't concentrate with you singing. Just give me 30 minutes..."

"Huh?" she yelled out, her ears drowning in an ocean of Celine Dion. I repeated my request. She stared at me like I had hit her on the ass with a riding crop. "Nobody else has a problem with my singing. Why should you?"

"Because I'm not tone deaf," I responded, "I've asked nicely." I then gave her the Vavoom stare of death. You know, the "shut your pie hole" look.

About 15 minutes later, guess what? "You've got me feeling emooootions, Deeper than I've ever dreamed of. You've got me feeling emooootions, higher than the heavens above..."

I was thinking, maybe we could round up those crazy terrorists and put them in a room with this girl. After about five minutes of subjecting them to her terrible voice, we could extract whatever information we'd like out of them. Then again, such actions might be in violation the Geneva Conventions. Her voice really is that bad.

Have you ever had to deal with crap like this at work? How'd you handle it?


Blogger Davydgrey said...

Bring your William Hung sings Christmas Carols DVD to work.

10:10 AM  
Blogger RT said...

That is something I've had to deal with, and my coworkers have had to deal with it from me :o)

I usually just laugh it off, but there was this one chick... Oh my God! Nails on a chalkboard sounded better than her! Luckily for me, I just told her to shut the hell up, and she did. No permanent damage to the relationship, she just stopped.

Vavoom, I know you're in a stressful situation with the new job and all, but please, try to relax. People can be pretty understanding... And if they're not, that's their problem. Don't make it yours.

BTW, I love that Chicago song!

10:31 AM  
Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

As someone who loves science (and I admire you for this),perhaps you could concoct some experiment to temporarly damper those vocal chords!

My husband is also a science buff. I keep telling him to please do something to preserve my beloved dog!!!

10:50 AM  
Blogger RT said...

Oh Oh! I think Barbara is on to something there! Is there any way you can feed helium into her workspace without it being obvious? :D

11:05 AM  
Blogger Xenia said...

I think you should combine the suggestion from Lazy Iguana in the post about the office party (record the suck ups) and then have some kid with an itching to become the next techno dj make you a "mix tape" of the sucking up put to a singable beat, and then you can embarrass everyone that has been unkind to you at work. I know it isn't taking the high road (which normally I would suggest - I agree with RT that sometimes we just get sensative when we are the new guy) but with as icky as these people have been to you, it would serve them right, and show you have a sense of humor.

11:53 AM  
Blogger Meow said...

First of all I don't want to hear about you stepping on cats tail.
Secondly, aren't there any bosses around seeing this bull shit? I'd send her to Abu Gharib in a heartbeat. Fuck the Geneva convention. Give her the Vavoom stunning pinch, er or was that a Vulcan thing? Yell at her, SHUT THE FUCK UP OR SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!
I had a real cu@# talking to her little niece with a husky smokers voice throughout the musical Lion King last night. I gave her dirty looks and shusshed a couple times. Nothing works on ignoramouses sometimes.

12:52 PM  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Three words for you - BAG PIPE MUSIC.

While whe is on break, swipe the I-pod. Then download a bunch of bag pipe music. Then replace it.

Then wait.....something funny will happen. Think of it like an expirement.

2:18 PM  
Blogger Raine said...

And wear a kilt for the full effect.

3:45 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

I use to work at Bellagio before I became a teacher and there was this one lady, who was as nice as can be, but very uneducated. She fit the definition of "white trash". She lived in a mobile home with nine dogs. She didn't have enough money to pay for a phone, but was able to keep and feed nine dogs, anyways I digress. She would tell the guests on the phone,"we aint got no rooms available for tonight". Or say this person don't come in today. Me being the teacher that I am, tried to educate her(very nicely) over and over again to no avail. Finally I gave up. I still cringe when I think about her choice of words, but I have moved on. She by the way still says "aint got no".

4:11 PM  
Blogger An80sNut said...

I'm all for the earplugs during your next experiment. It also might help the animosity level in the lab stay at a minimum. Thankfully, my workplace is big enough to just walk away.

We do have an issue with someone's bad habits at work right now. A new employee hasn't discovered deodorant/anti-perspirant and he reeks. We have to wait for one of the supervisors to broach the topic with him.

7:40 PM  

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