Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Lucky You.

The Bay Area is a fantastic place to live. It really is. With plenty of things to do, a well cultured environment and an overall laid back atmosphere, the Bay Area is truly phenomenal.

There's one potential problem. All hell might break loose over here tomorrow. BART, the Bay Area Rapid Transit, is our local subway system. A
looming strike now threatens to shut down BART. Negotiations will end tonight. If no settlement is reached, this heaven on earth is about to become a giant parking lot.

Guess how Vavoom has to get to the lab everyday? Yup, that's right. By car.

One thing they've got going here are communal carpool pick up spots. If you pick up a couple people, you can enter the carpool lane on the approach to the bridge, pay no toll and off you go. I think this and leaving at an insanely early time will get me to work, sans headache.

So you've decided to high tail it to San Francisco with Vavoom? Lucky You! Here's a quick guide to making this a happy trip:

1) If you happen to be an axe murderer, child molester or rapist, please keep your hands off the driver. The driver does not appreciate being axed, groped or molested in any way. No, that "this'll be our little secret" thing will not work on the driver.

2) You've got a double mochaccino latte with extra whipped cream and no lid along with a bagel dripping with cream cheese? You insist on eating it in the car? No problem! Please stay on the sidewalk while the driver selects another passenger.

3) Please do not ask the driver to insert your Mariah Carey or Celine Dion CD. Please do not ask the driver to put the Howard Stern Show on. The driver will be listening to NPR for the duration of the trip. Divas and shock jocks are not permitted in the cabin at any time.

4) If you must speak to the driver, please be pleasant. Refrain from complaining about your boss, spouse, kids or any medical conditions you may have. The driver prefers his morning commutes to be pleasant.

5) Please do not hang your head out the window and let your tongue flap in the wind. All body parts must remain in the vehicle at all times. If you are hot or cold, ask the driver (politely) if you can open the window or turn on the heat. The driver reserves the right to veto any climate changes in the vehicle.

6) You ate a full can of beans last night. You feel the pressure in your lower intestines. The driver strongly prefers that you demonstrate your willpower. No gaseous emission in the passenger cabin are allowed at any time. If you happen to smell something, do not blame the driver. He has never farted in his entire lifetime.

7) Wear your seatbelt. The driver does not want to get a ticket simply because your monkey ass can't put on a life saving device.

8) Absolutely, positively, no backseat driving. The driver would only like you to warn him of impending danger if you are convinced that you are going to die.

9) Since this trip entails going over a bridge, in the event of a water landing, please do not try and re-enact any scenes from Titanic. The driver is a married man. Moreover, the driver is cute, but he's no Leonardo DiCaprio. No, he will not put you afloat on part of the wreckage while he foolishly freezes to death. Please don't ask. Also, if you are late to work, do not ask the driver to speed up. That will increase the chances of a water landing.

10) Finally, the driver would appreciate a "thank you" at the end of the trip. You have just received a free ride. Being gracious is a good idea.

What would you add to this list? That is, what are your driving pet peeves? Would you be willing to carpool with Vavoom?


Blogger FantasticAlice said...

a thank you and maybe a couple bucks for gas.

Ya think you could put a couple of blow up dolls in the car so you can enter the car pool lane without actually having to deal with people?

Oh, and congrats you are now the Usurper!

12:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've ridden BART. Your trip sounds much better.

1:32 PM  
Blogger irishkeough said...

I happen to know from personal experience that the driver has indeed farted before.

1:50 PM  
Blogger thc said...

As the commute from the East Bay to SF could be several hours, I wonder if Caltrans plans to position port-a-potties along the route?

2:39 PM  
Blogger thc said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:40 PM  
Blogger Fred said...

Yes, I'd be willing to drive with Vavoom expect for the NPR thing. When Bob Edwards left, so did I. And Howard? He's not that bad.

Two additions:

1. You must read a tabloid newspaper. Reading the Wall Street Journal and flipping from page to page results in some serious vision blockage.

2. No comments about the car the driver has chosen. Others do not want to hear how the car failed the Consumer Reports crash tests.

Happy driving and good luck if there's a strike.

6:05 PM  
Blogger Anandi said...

Um, weird. You just pick up strangers on the side of the road? Isn't hitchhiking illegal (and dangerous)?

7:06 PM  
Blogger thc said...

Anandi (and all): For years folks in the Bay Area have engaged in "casual carpools" to avoid the Bay Bridge toll and to be able to use the carpool lanes. Certain intersections have been designated for this and you just stand on the corner and someone will pick you up.

8:05 PM  
Blogger Moose said...

You had "don't molest the driver" didn't you? How about no back seat drivers.

8:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I plan on just working from home tommorrow if there is a strike. I have a lot of reading and calculations to do.

11:02 PM  
Blogger LoraLoo said...

I'd carpool with Vavoom. You didn't mention anything about snoring, right? :)

11:47 PM  
Anonymous Raine said...

Good luck on the commute tomorrow, V!

11:54 PM  
Blogger RT said...

So, did they go on strike???

Hmmm... I would have to add:

11) All passengers must duck their heads while going under bridges and raise their feet while going over bridges. It may sound superstitious, but with a car full of strangers, I need all the luck I can get. (Not to mention it'll be the only quiet entertainment my passengers can provide.)

9:31 AM  
Blogger boabhan sith said...

I seriously doubt #6...you're a man okay and men fart all of their life (even whilst asleep).


10:48 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

Well, in my car I would have to add there will be no dancing about, singing at the top of your lungs, or generally flailing about and being obnoxious.

Secondly, if you must speak please remember the driver prefers that you not, so be concise; my morning drive is for plotting my daily activities and daydreaming about why I did not become a yoga instructor in St. Barts.

But I would ride with you Vavoom...even if you do listen to NPR the whole way.

12:34 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

hahah I would add no singing in the car, just in case you happen to pick up the person who always sang in the lab :)

5:00 PM  
Blogger An80sNut said...

Gas money is a plus. A letter of recommendation from another driver.

I'm still not believing you haven't farted before, Vavoom. If you really haven't, you need to stay away from open flames (well, they need rides too) because I hear you will explode by age 50. Let a few out in the bathtub... no one will know.

8:08 PM  

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