Monday, July 18, 2005

This Is Our Room.

I had a fever yesterday. 101 degrees. I ended up going to lab to try and get some last minute data before my advisor's return. I hate to mention this, but it's germane to the topic at hand. I also had explosive diarrhea. After 7 hours of running between the bathroom and the lab, I was weary and tired. It was 1:30 AM.

I finished my experiment and was dizzy. Running to the bathroom when dizzy is surely a recipe for disaster. Herein lies my latest tale of suffering.

I felt the rush of poop coming to my pants and quickly retreated to the bathroom. As I ran in and levitated over the toilet, I noticed something strange. "Why is there a tampon disposal in this stall?" For reasons I can't quite explain, I accidentally ran into the women's restroom. Suddenly a voice pierced through the air.

"Sir, could you please tell me what you're doing in here?"

"Using the restroom. I'm sick. It was an accident. A huge accident. I'll be out of here soon. Sorry."

When I came out of the stall, there was a female security guard waiting. Mind you, coming out of any stall is embarrassing after you've created the noisy mess that is diarrhea. Coming out of a stall in the ladies room after all of that is much more embarrassing. The woman walked over to the stall, looked at the toilet and then looked back at me.

"I need your name and your supervisor's name."

"I'm really sick. I'm running a high fever and I accidentally came in here."

"I'm not sure what you're doing in here, sir, but I need to speak to your supervisor."

"Listen, I'm new here. I'm sick," I pleaded.

"I'm not even sure you're sick," she responded.

My skin was turning green, my clothes were going to tear away from my body. Vavoom was getting upset. "Look, lady, you wanna stick a thermometer up my butt and check my temperature? If not, you'll have to take my word for it."

"Sir, did you just ask me to place something up your butt in the ladies room?"

At this point, I was scared. Yes, I misspoke. Suddenly I looked at her. She glanced back. We both started laughing hysterically.

The laughter caused another rush of poop to my pants. I ran back into the stall, "It's diarrhea. I can't help it."

"Lord, please help this strange boy," the woman said in a syrup-like tone.

When I came out the second time she said, "If I ever see you in here again..." I shot back, "You'll check my temperature in a major way?" We laughed again. She allowed me to leave peacefully.

What's your best/worst "I need to talk my way out of this" incident?


Blogger dusty said...

o my god..i haven't laughed so hard in poor do think quickly on your feet however..good for you..

1:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's a funny one!

But on a more serious note, I hope you are feeling better.

2:18 PM  
Blogger GSR said...

Great escape! For a moment there you were knee deep in "it", literally and figuratively.

2:42 PM  
Blogger LoraLoo said...

Vavoom - man you really are quick on your feet. I'm glad that all worked out! I do hope you're feeling better today.

3:09 PM  
Blogger RT said...

LMAO Vavoom. With as much diarrhea as you have, I'm not surprized that you have a good line for every possible situation :o) Have you checked out the research on IBS?

Seriously, I do hope you're feeling better... Take care of yourself, K?

4:46 PM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

That one cannot be topped! I would have thought the smell would have driven her out of there.
You poor, embarrassed thing. I hope you are well hydrated and back to regular toilet visits.
You really crack me up!

5:48 PM  
Blogger thc said...

Sorry, Vavoom. I have nothing, absolutely NOTHING that can top your post.

8:55 PM  
Blogger "Harold" said...

hehe... great story.

Thanks for visiting my blog.

And yes, I've been up in Northern Cal, and even the Berkeley area (a girl I know is trying to enter the Zen Center there). It's awesome and if I could make a living up there I'd move in a heartbeat.

8:57 PM  
Blogger Fred said...

Great story. The visuals are horrible, but it was very funny.

Like THC, I have nothing. I looked at this post many hours ago, and thought I would come back later with something at least as funny.

Nope. Nada. I tried. I really did.

9:12 PM  
Blogger An80sNut said...

I've been dizzy before and done stupid things that I hear about later but don't remember. But yes, you've topped the list. And like the others, I'm amazed that you were able to think clearly enough to get your way out of it. Ahhh... the power of laughter.

10:01 PM  
Blogger Rattie said...

ROTFLMAO!! Sorry, I don't mean to laugh at your expense but I can't help it - that is one funny story!!

11:10 PM  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Emergencies are emergencies! And at 1:30 AM, was it really that big of a deal?

On a side note, I once had to abandon underpants in a Denny's restroom. I left that place VERY fast.

11:31 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

HAHAHA! You done killed me with this one!

Rest, Imodium, Ibuprofen and Vasoline (for the thermometer). Stay close to a bathroom (a mens bathroom) and get well fast.

1:59 AM  
Blogger FJ said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:33 AM  
Blogger FJ said...

Awww man, you've had a bugger of a day!
My sprained ankle doesn't feel near so bad now.

Good on ya for smooth talking the security guard and I hope you get better quickly!


8:34 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

I don't mean to laugh but I can't help it! You just told it so vividly.

9:44 AM  
Blogger irishkeough said...

so in my last year of college my friend got engaged and had a party. then they wanted to go drinking, so we did. we met some other friends there and decided to go someplace else. since i was relatively the sober one, i got to drive the big bad suv to the bar. it was near christmas, and there was snow on the roads obscuring the lanes. when i noticed that i was not in my lane, i would go back to my lane. to the unknonwing of anything police, i looked drunk. so i was pulled over. there were 8 of us in the suv. 7 were loaded beyond control and i was less than normal. he asked what we were doing, and I told him we were going downtown and coming from the other bar. he said if i was too drunk to drive to let someone else drive. then walked away. i was confused, no breathalyzer? so i said, "hey don't you want to blow me or something?" then i realized what I said. i meant to say, shouldn't i blow something or whatever? nevertheless the deed was done. he looked at me again, and said, "if you're too drunk to drive, let someone else drive." then went on his way. as soon as the window was up, my friends exploded in laughter. apparently he went to high school with one of them and was a real big jerk and stuff. i just told a cop to blow me and got away with it. this has become one of the greatest stories about me that people tell.

7:21 PM  
Blogger European said...

Yikes! Diarrhea is a whole bucket o' fun - hope you're doing better.
I read your post this morning and could only think of a time when I didn't talk my way out of it. I was in 7th grade and had written a report. Dorky as I was, I had used lots of complicated words (I read a lot or inspiring books). When my teacher returned the report, she said that she knew I had copied passages out of books and that she had taken points of for that. I'm sad to say that I quietly nodded my head and simply accepted my fate.

I'm still mad at that teacher, but I'm proud to say that if this were to happen to me today, I'd talk up a storm. I think the little me was just totally surprised by the accusation.

One way or the other.

10:48 PM  
Blogger Mr. Snitch said...

You're getting upset, your skin is turning green - are you getting sick, or becoming the Hulk? Anyway, every post so far tonight involves some lower bodily function. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just sayin'. On the other hand, that Butt Pat guy? Just show him THIS post. That will end THAT nonsense.

3:14 AM  

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