Tuesday, October 11, 2005

2 AM.

The walk home at 2 AM was unlike any other. The streets felt devoid of life, spare a bird sipping from a muddy puddle. I walked slowly, listening to the gritty, but soaked, substrate slide against the soles of my shoes.

Has it really been 12 years? It can't be. 12 years of this? Slugging my way through experiments, spending inordinate amounts of time in dark labs, praying for data to rain down on me like manna from heaven.

The morning was difficult. The afternoon was miserable. My evening was worse. Is it worth it? Can I honestly say I enjoy this anymore?

The questions continued. I stopped to light up a cigarette. The smoke billowed through the cool autumn air. Suddenly, the painful one hit.

Am I happy?

I looked to the sky, then back at the earth. I remembered a poem my father used to recite to me -- "Kabhi kisi ko mukamul, jaha nahi milta." (No one ever gets a perfect world.) The poem continues, "Sometimes you get the sky. Sometimes you get the earth."

Feeling bare of either, I continued my slow pace home. God, I feel so alone. These people are killing me. If it really is true, if I really am swimming with sharks, most certainly my love of scientific research is being eaten alive. God help me, I just don't know if I'll make it.


Blogger Jenn said...

Hmm... We have lots in common right now.

Wishing you the best, Vavoom.

P.S. I love it when you quote your father. . . Such a wise man.

7:18 AM  
Blogger LoraLoo said...

Indeed your father is very wise. We don't get a perfect world.

You are sounding discouraged - but at least you KNOW you're swimming with sharks, right?? It's important you be happy at what you do; perhaps you can look at this time as a stepping stone, a temporary piece of time? Certainly this isn't the end of the road.

8:19 AM  
Blogger RT said...

It's the weather. And it'll probably be even worse for you Vavoom, because you're also displaced right now and not used to this dreary, oppressive weather. It makes everything seems worse than it really is.

But there are things you can do to help that... Embrace the cold, rainy weather traditions! They can be fun :o)

O! Maybe you could do a post about that? I'd be interested in hearing what others do during the cold season.

9:48 AM  
Blogger An80sNut said...

I think Lora and RT are on the right track. I'm also getting closer to making some changes myself and sometimes there are stepping stones when what we want is stability. I also cite several bands from the U.K. that have never written happy love songs due to the dreary weather they get that affects their muse. Being a transplant, you are in an adjustment phase but also view it as a step to understanding those in your environment. Here you are the experiment and they are the control. Just one to think on.

11:25 AM  
Blogger Linny said...

so you are some sort of lab person? care to help me with my pharmacology class? :) :) :)

1:11 PM  
Blogger Linny said...

and.. by the way...

you're dad was right :)

1:12 PM  
Blogger ACPatriot said...

Keep your chin up Vavoom. Grad school really wears on us all, but in the end it will be worth it.

One thing I might consider if I were you would be to change groups. I'm sure not every group at fancypants is as cutthroat and disturbed as your current one and there is probably other interesting research happening.

1:23 PM  
Blogger FantasticAlice said...

Well Vavoom, if you branch off and start your own business... I'll make a hell of a paper pusher for you!

Hope you get out of this funk.

And remember, at least you know who your enemies are.

3:20 PM  
Blogger Fred said...

Once you swim through the sharks, you'll meet up with the dolphins who will escort you to an island. That island is the job that will turn everything around.

March on, Vavoom; you'll get there. The journey will be worth it.

6:57 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

Fix the machine from the inside V. You just have to put yourself in a position to get it done. If anyone could do this, I know it's you.

7:12 PM  
Blogger Jimbobb2 said...

"I stopped to light up a cigarette."


And you had promised to quit smoking.

3:03 AM  

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