Monday, October 17, 2005

Getting Physical

I just returned from getting a physical at the Fancypants University Clinic. The health care here is amazing. One problem -- I hate disrobing in front of strangers. I really hate it. Fortunately this was a routine check up.

When Dr. C entered, he asked for my medical history and proceeded to tell me that I've got a one way ticket to hell if I don't change my lifestyle. "Given your family's medical history, Mr. Vavoom, I think I'll need to do a full physical on you." "What the hell comes with a full physical," I asked. "Wait and see," he said. "I'll be back. In the meantime please disrobe." Damn it.

Having a discussion with a stranger is really difficult while sitting on a cold, waxpaper covered table. I kept trying to cross my legs or do something to bring some dignity to the situation. He began probing and poking around my torso. I couldn't help it, I was being difficult.

"Since you've disrobed," he added, "I'll go ahead and check you for a hernia." Now's my chance. I've always wanted to do this. Finally, I'll get over my fear of getting naked in front of a complete stranger. I stood up boldly, placed both hands on the waistband of my tighty whitey's, pulled down and yelled out, "BEHOLD!"

Dr. C immediately broke out in laughter. "Hey, you're laughing at my 'behold,' not my penis, right?" "Right, right," he responded as he proceeded to probe around my scrotum. The damn guy wouldn't stop giggling. "You're sure it's not my penis, you're laughing at?" "Yes, yes... I'm sure... I've never had a patient be so squirrely and then pull something like that before, that's all."

Then came the words no man ever wants to hear -- "Now, I'd like to do a colorectal exam on you." "A what!?" "It's not a big deal, really. I'm also worried you might have an ulcer and would like to get a stool sample." "You think you're going to stick your finger up my ass and reach all the way up to my stomach? No thanks. I'll pass." "Are you sure?" "Look, if you want me to poop in a cup that's one thing. I've never had anything shoved up my ass and I really don't think today is the day to give it a try. Besides, you haven't even bought me dinner."

I got dressed, went to the bathroom, pooped in a cup and handed it over to Dr. C, "It's some of my finest work, in that cup." "Let me tell you, Vavoom, patients like you are usually a big pain in the ass, but this has been one of the most entertaining and interesting physicals I've ever done. I'll see you in two weeks, right?" "Play your cards right, Dr. C and you might just get that colorectal exam..."

I left the room and could hear him laughing hysterically. I still think he's laughing at my penis.


Anonymous Your man in LA said...

Great post Vavoom.

I had a similar physical at my new job but i got checked for testicular cancer by a reasonably attractive female doctor. I also found out I was in fine health.

10:12 AM  
Blogger Danilo da Silva said...

lol, this post cracked me up. The humiliations in a medical office...

Wait till you hear the, "Wow, thats interesting, people, come have a look!"

12:29 PM  
Blogger Bar Bar A said...

Dude, this is tooooooooo funny.

And being a female I just have to smile and think "it's about time" you KNOW what we have to go through. How would you like your penis squashed between two cold x-ray panels until it was flat? We have to do that (once on each side) every year in addition to all the other fun stuff.

I bet your Dr. went home and told his wife about you today!!!

8:59 PM  
Anonymous PhatPharma said...

Vavoom, I'm proud of you. Behold?

10:38 PM  
Blogger thc said...

That paper on the exam table sticks to you and is really annoying. Isn't there a better way?

11:35 PM  
Blogger Vavoom said...

thc: The better way? How about they let me keep my clothes on!

11:50 PM  
Blogger An80sNut said...

I was worried you were going to disrobe while singing Chuck Berry's "My Ding-A-Ling." I might have to use that next time. Next time he asks about the colorectal exam, ask if he'll pull the gerbil out first.

6:04 PM  
Blogger GSR said...

I gotta agree with Well Woman. I've always hated my annual physicals, the process being so, well, undignified. But....comparing notes with my wife, it ain't nothing compared to what the ladies go through. There is nothing subtle or dignified about thier various exams....

10:33 AM  

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