Thursday, October 06, 2005

The Good Doctor.

One of the many things I had to do yesterday was visit the orthopedic clinic at Fancypants University Medical center. I'm having huge problems with my feet and ankles.

Before entering the examination room, a nurse practitioner came by. "OK, I'll need all of you to take off your shoes and socks." Here's a confession -- I've got a wierd problem with my feet. When I was young, my siblings and I teased one another about our feet so viciously, that now I've got a complex about my feet. The nurse asked me to take my shoes off with two other people sitting next to me.

"Now... we should take off our shoes, now," I asked. "Please," the nurse responded. I looked over at the two people sitting next to me. Patient #1's feet were pretty banged up -- bunyans, callouses, etc. That left me and patient number two. I closed my eyes and began taking off my shoes. "Damn it," I kept whispering to myself. By the time my dogs were exposed, I heard the nurse say, "Goodness, you really should cut your nails." I looked up. Yes, she was talking to me. "Damn it."

Suddenly, I looked over at patient #2's feet. On her left foot was an enormous mole. You know, the hairy kind that induces panic and fear in anyone that's around it. I thought to myself, "Hey, my feet aren't that bad after all." I started strutting my podiatric stuff. "Yeah, you know it, you tell the story, you tell the whole damn world about my gorgeous feet!"

The doctor came around, gave each of our feet a quick look. Upon finishing with mine, the doctor said, "Mr. Vavoom, you really need to cut these nails. What is that, fungus?" Patient #1 and #2 started smirking. I wanted to tell the doctor, "Shhh! You'll ruin my chances of winning this little beauty contest."

When I was finally brought into the examination room, I realized that long toenails are temporary. Ugly feet are forever. By the way -- no, it's not fungus.

17 Comments:

Blogger Fred said...

Good news on the fungus. I'm off to clip my toenails now...

2:26 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

I thought I was the only one with a foot complex! However, mine is slightly more neurotic.

A). I have Fred Flinstone feet, thus do not find them attractive compared to other's feet.

B). I think that feet look like deformed hands and this really freaks me out- I do not like to be touched by feet at all. Which means people are constantly trying to touch me with their feet.

C). I have never liked for anyone to touch my feet. My mother used to have to put a strangle hold on me to trim the nails until I was old enough to do it myself. I hate pedicures.

2:29 PM  
Blogger Lily said...

The clinic sounds very fungus...err I mean professional.

5:07 PM  
Blogger Bar Bar A said...

Hmmm...never had an issue with my feet, I kind of like my feet and getting a pedicure is the one way I pamper myself. Red or French toenails are a must.

Congrats on taking such a big "step" in unclothing your feet publically today!

5:56 PM  
Blogger A Fashionista said...

Wait until you get your prostate examined and the good ol' doc sticks his/her finger up yer arse!! Then the foot thing will be a big fat nothing.
LMAO:)

6:17 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

You either make me laugh or make me cry Vavoom! I love you interesting perspective on life :)

7:29 PM  
Blogger An80sNut said...

At least with the prostate exam he won't hear, "what is that, fungus?" I'm not big on feet. I know there are people with foot fetishes and aversions. I might be one of the latter as I think they are just part of the legs which help hold the boobs to eye level.

8:13 PM  
Blogger RT said...

How adorable, you have a foot complex!

Trust me, hun, you start modeling those briefs (or was it boxers that you keep teazing us with?) and no one will be paying attention to your tooties ;o)

10:05 PM  
Anonymous FNPhD said...

There's one orthopedist there who really sucks. There's another who's really good. Be sure to go on the right days, or you'll get the wrong one. (Today is not the right day.)

11:29 PM  
Blogger An80sNut said...

Oh, and another thing. What's up with having three sets of feet looked at at the same time. Freakin' HMOs.

12:50 AM  
Blogger Vavoom said...

Martin: The reason, I was later told, was that all three of us needed to go downstairs to get x-rays. Allegedly, radiology was very very busy. Whichever of us had a worse situation would go downstairs for x-rays first. The nurse practitioner was supposed to take a quick look and triage us. The doctor came by and offered his two cents. Actually, the medical center at FU is quite good. This is the only strange experience I've had there.

1:06 AM  
Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Sounds like a pit of a pampering pedicure may be in order for Mr. Vavoom. Yes, men have these done all of the time!

Good news on the fungus!

8:19 AM  
Anonymous PhatPharma said...

Vavoom,
The doctor is right. The long toenail look is not attractive. In fact it gives me the creeps. Maybe you'll be able to return the last pair of clown shoes now that you've shorn your sasquatch claws. We have a mutual friend who does not like to look at feet. Me, I love a good thong sandal. You probably won't be seeing any of those for the next 6 months save your holiday trip to CA.

8:54 PM  
Blogger irishkeough said...

dude, that's nasty. Gabor is never winning the prize either. It's a single achievement award, not a lifetime achievement award.

9:03 PM  
Anonymous Sister Vavoom said...

I apologize for contributing to your life-long complex. I too have gotten over the foot fear. I think as we get older, we find more important things to focus on. Again, sorry...

9:54 PM  
Blogger dusty said...

lmao..you freak..but its so cute..your complex..

12:21 AM  
Blogger Camphor said...

lol
Glad it isn't fungus.
My complex is radically opposite - nails clipped way too much. Zat's okay. I'm working on growing them.

5:04 AM  

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