Monday, December 12, 2005

The Jerk Sauce Caper.



Mrs. Vavoom and I have decided to go to the Caribbean during our holiday break. We'll be there during the last week of December.

Yesterday, we ate at a well known barbecue joint in the Boston area. I noticed barbecue beef, sauteed in Caribbean jerk sauce on their menu. It sounded pretty good. Besides, what better way to celebrate our upcoming trip than to eat some tasty beef loaded with Caribbean goodness?

When the food arrived I looked down at my plate. It was sopping wet with jerk sauce. Man oh man, did it look good. I immediately shoveled a pile of it into my mouth. Suddenly, I felt a rush of heat. This stuff was spicy enough to raise the dead. It was too good to pass up. I quickly devoured it. It was so good that I grabbed an extra order to go. Sure, my stomach was screaming for help. C'mon, it's Caribbean barbecue...

I was restless that night. I simply couldn't sleep. At 4 AM, I decided to get up and have more of my delightful bovine meal. I polished off another serving of the stuff.

I slept 3 hours. As I walked into work I felt a severe pain in my stomach and lower intestines. "Oh no," I thought, "I know what this means." I needed to get into work. Still, I knew a restroom break was in order. When I arrived to work, I went straight for the toilet. Never before have I wanted to yell out in agony. For whatever reason, my delicious Caribbean meal was coming back to haunt me. It was the spiciest expulsion I've ever produced. Sore and distressed, I retreated back to my desk. If I could write a BASIC computer program to describe my day, it would go something like this:

10 PRINT "Enjoy being reverse sodomized by Caribbean spices today, Vavoom."
20 GOTO 10
RUN

I swear, it wouldn't stop. I spent a total of 12 hours rushing to the restroom and then back into the lab. Finally, I decided I needed to hustle home. As I walked, I felt a painful gurgle downstairs. "It must be gas," I thought.

I thought wrong.

I quickly clenched up and caught it before any unfortunate accident occurred. I looked down at the ground. Yup, it's covered in ice. Imagine trying to hold 20 gold doubloons up your ass, while trying to navigate across a slushy, icy mess. God, my 25 year record of not crapping my pants is at risk. I felt like Payton Manning, going for 16-0. I can't make a single mistake. Not one mistake. What the hell am I gonna do? Shuffle. Yes, shuffle. That's what my faithful readers suggested. Besides, shuffling and clenching aren't mutually exclusive activities. "Oh God, please don't let my streak end," I whispered, "Why does this shit always happen to me?" I shuffled slowly across the slick ground. Could it be? Yes! A patch of clear asphalt! I'm saved!

As I hustled across the asphalt I experienced the wrath of the fabled "black ice." I quickly learned that it does, in fact, exists. While squeezing tight, I felt myself slip. I can't tell you how I did it, but I fell without letting any of my recycled Caribbean meal loose. Now there's a new problem -- how the hell am I going to stand up without crapping myself?

A young couple approached me from behind. "Oh my God, are you alright?" "He's not moving, get your cell phone." "No, no, no," I replied, "I'm fine, I... I... I just need to get up slowly. I'll be fine, really." The guy helped me up. Problem solved.

The pressure was building. I really had to go. I shuffled over to a nearby convenience store, the spicy mess was slowly threatening to destroy my undefeated sphincter record. "Can I help you?" the clerk asked. "I need to use the restroom. It's an emergency, please." "I'm sorry, we don't have a restroom," he responded. "Listen," I pleaded, "I know you must have to take a crap during the day... you must have a bathroom... please, I really have to go." Suddenly a loud gurgle came from my intestines. The clerk's eyes widened. He looked at me like I just showed him that I had webbed feet. "Sure. Whatever. It's, it's, it's in the back," he responded.

I made it to the bathroom. I frantically started unwrapping myself. "Damn layers," I grumbled. In one fail swoop, I dropped my drawers and immediately sat down on the john. I was there for twenty minutes. I was breathing heavily, the spiciness of it was overwhelming. "Hey, you okay in there," I heard. "Yeah," I responded. "You better clean up after yourself," he yelled. I did so and quickly exited the store.

When I walked outside, I desperately wanted to drop my trousers and sit in the snow. Even as I write this, it still smarts. Still, my streak has been preserved.

Remind me not to eat any Caribbean food when we go to the Caribbean.

19 Comments:

Anonymous PhatPharma said...

Vavoom,
Allow me to be the first to thank you for that story. At first, I though your inner scientist was interfering with your inner expert poop joke teller, but you continued along the poop comedy gold. I can only claim a 15 year streak. One can only maintain sphincter detente while sitting on a curb for so long before the levee breaks.

10:02 PM  
Blogger RT said...

Does that mean you're not coming to Ohio??? Man, I was looking forward to that!

That story is halarious! And after eating half of a gallon jar of hot peppers, I can totally relate.

Thank you for the tip, I'll have to try the Caribbean jerk sauce next time it's offered ;o) and I hope you will try it again too... After your vacation.

11:24 PM  
Blogger LoraLoo said...

I was missing your poop humor... thanks Vavoom, I have a belly ache after laughing too hard at your post.

When is the holiday break? The Carribean sounds devine, you'll enjoy a break from the snow for sure.

11:31 PM  
Blogger Meow said...

Vavoom! You're toilet humour never ceases to amaze me. I am positively FOFLOL & LMAO! You made me cry.
And by the by, this jerk stuff does raise the dead. The Caribbean people invented both jerk and zombies the same year. Put 2 & 2 together. O.K. it's 10 minutes later and I'm still laughing.
Great story.

11:56 PM  
Blogger thc said...

Caribbean BBQ in Boston?! You should stick with the seafood.

12:31 AM  
Blogger Bruce said...

Priceless story, just priceless. I'm still laughing about wanting to sit in the snow. I've been in a similar situation, and it's the worst feeling in the world. I recommend not snacking on Cracklin' Oat Bran, too.

12:37 AM  
Blogger ACPatriot said...

You should think of investing in a skateboard.

Seriously, today my skateboard saved my streak. I ate a Chipotle burrito for lunch today and I recieved a similar anal assault on my way home from lab. If I hadn't had my skateboard to wisk me home without me having to make any effort on the downhill parts, thereby conserving my energy, the "streak" would have been in my pants.

4:41 AM  
Anonymous Maggie said...

Moderation.....in all things....moderation!

7:52 AM  
Blogger Linny said...

PRECIOUS!!!

sorry for your "situation" but it made for some enjoyable reading...

having experienced similar "situations" myself... I can feel for ya... and yes, be sure to sample the Carribean fare in moderation - don't forgo all of it... just don't eat seven servings :)

8:42 AM  
Blogger Fred said...

I can't believe I just read a whole post about your crapping habits.

What were you thinking when you had a helping at 4 am? Are you crazy?

So glad the streak holds. Another one for the record books.

9:07 AM  
Blogger Denise said...

You're funny.

12:55 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

You need to write a bathroom reader book about your experiences :)

8:51 PM  
Anonymous penzance said...

OMG
I read your post last thing last night and laughed my ass off.
I went to bed and I had to cover my face and mouth to not disturb my neighbors since I was laughing so damned loud at midnight.
You kill me.

9:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who would've guessed
an infinite loop
could leave its maker
exploding soupy poop.

My first visit to your blog had to be this.

--A.T.

9:18 PM  
Blogger Bar Bar A said...

Thanks for sharing. I will never forget this story and I will NEVER eat any of the spicy jerk stuff.

11:06 PM  
Blogger Camphor said...

You know, your tagline, below 'Tedrow Drive' is perfect. Except it needs to be in the superlative...

11:49 PM  
Blogger An80sNut said...

So many things to say here. I was actually thinking earlier this week about your lack of poo posts. Not that I dislike your others but you do have a penchant for adventures in feces. Anyhow, I absolutely love Caribbean jerk sauce. A chain called Buffalo Wild Wings (www.buffalowildwings.com) has that as one of their sauces. I absolutely adore it and buy the stuff for consumption with chicken nuggets or any other chicken product. Yummy.

6:00 AM  
Blogger Me said...

All of your commenters are fired.

C'mon, the man used the word streak in relation to shit, and none of you made the obvious "check for skidmarks" connection? Jeez.

Sounds like you straight up dropped napalm on the population of bacteria inhabiting your intestines.

Excellent story!

1:27 PM  
Blogger Gina said...

referred to this post by catwoman....who read my passover belly entry on my blog.....wow...mine was nothing compared to your problem....thank god....lol

gk

7:08 PM  

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