Our lab was hosting an interdepartmental party yesterday. That required food, drinks and music. Prof. Bigshot established clearly who would get what for the event. The party was at 5:30 pm. I checked my watch. It was 4:30. No one had gone to get food or drinks. In walks Prof. Bigshot:
PB (angrily): Vavoom, what are you doing? Why aren't you getting things together for the party?
V: B was responsible for getting the drinks. K is responsible for the food. J is responsible for the music. I would assume they're handling it.
PB (angrily): They said you're handling all of it. We have a party in one hour and you've done absolutely nothing!
V: That's complete bullshit. Where are B, K, J?
I proceeded to round up B, K, J and Prof. Bigshot.
V: Bigshot says you guys claimed I was going to get everything for the party. When did I say that? Never. I never said that.
B: Well, I don't want to get the beer. It's raining outside and it'll be too heavy to carry.
K: I'm busy with J right now, so I can't get the food.
V: B, go get food. I'll get the beer.
PB (angrily): Hurry up and get it, Vavoom. We need 7 cases.
I ran to a local market and picked up 8 cases of beer. It was pouring rain. I've never stolen a shopping cart before, but there's a first time for everything. I returned to the lab, soaked and beer laden. A quick check of the watch shows 5:15 PM. I'm on time. I set the beer in ice tubs and proceeded back to my desk.
A postdoc in the lab, D, approached me. "Hey, I just want you to know I appreciate you getting the beer. I wasn't here when you left, otherwise I'd have helped." An aside about D -- he's flamingly gay and extraordinarily effeminate. Once again, in walks Prof. Bigshot:
PB (angrily): Vavoom, you didn't get enough beer. Jesus Fucking Christ! I asked you to get 7 cases... how much is out there?
V: 8 cases.
PB (angrily): That's unacceptable! Clearly you have no sense of how much beer we needed. You were at the store. You should have estimated that we needed more.
I stared at Bigshot, water still dripping off of me. Suddenly, I heard D say at his desk, "GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!!" He quickly came out from his cubicle:
D (very effeminate (ve), very angry (va)): Bigshot, what the fuck is your problem? Vavoom is pinch hitting for your lazy graduate students... I mean, look at the poor guy. He's soaked... he slogged 8 cases of beer through the rain and this is how you thank him? The appropriate response is 'Thank You.' This is why you're such a fucking pain in the ass to work with!
PB: Look I don't like being talked to like that...
D (ve, va): Well now you know how Vavoom feels! God, sometimes you are such an asshole! You've done this to all of us and that's why our group is so fucked up. It's because of you and your shitty management style!
Remember when Hulk Hogan faced off against Andre The Giant in Wrestlemania? Yeah, this was better. They went back and forth for about 10 minutes. D stuck to his guns. He kept calling Bigshot words like, "piece of shit" and "asshole." Finally, Bigshot broke down, "Vavoom, you did good. I'm sorry." Suddenly, I wasn't the one that was all wet.
The party went well. I met heaps of people. Most importantly, I've found a valuable friend and ally in D.