Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Down boy, DOWN!

Normally, Prof. Bigshot has the group favorite take care of his house and dog while traveling. Well, the group favorite was also out of town. Guess who got to take care of the dog? Yeah, that's right. Me.

I've never owned a dog. I've had every other type of pet imaginable. Naturally, I was excited to take care of him.

As always, everything I do has a bizarre outcome. Behold:

The dog has a fixed schedule. At 6AM, he needs to be fed and given water. Immediately afterwards, he needs to go outside to poop. I got to the house a tad late. 6:30 AM. I turned off the alarm to Bigshot's palatial estate. As I entered, I went downstairs to let the dog out of his cage. Yes, he's kept in a cage all day. I know, it sucks. Anyways, I fed the dog, gave him water and decided to get him riled up before taking him for a walk. Why not? I mean, he's about to go outside. Let's get him excited, right?

Wrong.

I played with him for about half an hour. He started jumping around frantically. Suddenly he started sniffing the floor rather strangely. To my horror, he squatted down and decided to take a massive dump on Bigshot's floor. "No," I yelled out. Apparently he thought we were still playing. After stomping all over his crap, the dog then jumped up on me and started trying to hump me.

"Down boy, down!" He was having way too much fun spreading his seed and smearing poop all over me. Overtures of "bad dog," had little effect on his thrusting. Trust me, this is not my preferred brand of sex. Finally, he relented. Now there was shit all over me, the dog and the floor. Lovely.

I cleaned up the mess and took him for a long walk. Let me tell you, Bigshot's dog is one horny bastard. He also tried to mount a cocker spaniel during our one hour trip.

For some reason, I seem to think I'll score far lower on a purity test after all of that.

17 Comments:

Anonymous Your man in LA said...

it is important to be on time. Give me a call.

12:43 PM  
Blogger Bruce said...

Yup...dogs are as much creatures of habit as humans. I had a black lab who would wake me up if I slept too late.

2:17 PM  
Blogger European said...

Yeah! More poo-talk!

8:19 PM  
Blogger RT said...

LoL, bet you wished you were back on that balcony.

11:00 PM  
Blogger An80sNut said...

How did you get the crap out from between the dog's toes? You really do walk into situations like that, don't you? B) Welcome back.

5:34 PM  
Blogger Lily said...

LOL, another great story V.
Mark me down as one of those people who don't get why you would cage a dog all day.

5:16 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

Another poop story.. lovely :) heheheheh

11:51 AM  
Blogger Fred said...

Vavoom..poop..Vavoom..poop.

3:53 PM  
Blogger J. Bikegeek said...

I knew I was missing out on pure comedy when not visiting yoursite, Vavoom. I began a new blog for myself, formerly known as TEX, this is Throughout Me, stop by for a visit, and Im glad you're still around the corner, Tedrow Drive...

4:03 PM  
Blogger Meow said...

OMG V. You're always in these shit situations. LOL
Yer killing me.
I actually email these stories to my cousins.
I die and they die from your tales.
Of course I give you full credit.

5:36 PM  
Blogger LoraLoo said...

As you can tell, we've all missed your poop stories. LOL

3:10 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

Oh that is bad. But funny. I think I would have saved myself the hassle of cleaning the dog up, cause you know its prob in the dogs nails and all, and took him to a groomer. Then perhaps to get neutered so he didnt hump you so much. Ewww.

5:57 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

V, you're the greatest. Even better than individual pudding cups. The caramel/chocolate combination. And those are really great. I miss you man. I hope everything is going great for you!

10:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://www.sbc.net/knowjesus/theplan.asp

11:31 AM  
Blogger dusty said...

dude..I found this story funny the first and second times I read it..

I can't read it again..did you find another outlet? We miss ya Vavoom..

2:10 AM  
Blogger Aurelius said...

Yeah! Where did ya go?

10:48 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

VAVOOM! Get your ass back here!

12:05 PM  

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