Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The Sliding Door.

On my first day back to work, I woke up ready to take on anything. I slid out of bed and proceeded to conduct my morning rituals. You all know that I smoke. Yes, I've tried quitting. I typically go out on our tiny balcony for my morning smoke. When I say our balcony is tiny, I mean it. I measures about 9 inches in depth, 5 feet in width.

Like I was saying, I stepped out onto the balcony and lit up my cigarette. It was like any other morning. The birds were singing, below me I saw that the neighbors dog yet again managed to escape and was crapping all over my other neighbor's yard. That damn dog is always carrying a stick around. A couple times I've seen it crap with a stick in it's mouth. Not a bad way to go, if you're crapping.

I usually carry our cordless phone out with me during my morning smoke. Mrs. Vavoom usually calls to bid me good morning and I wouldn't want to miss that call. I'd finished up my smoke, turned slightly to open the sliding door. It was stuck. No matter how much I pulled on the damn thing, it wouldn't open.

I proceeded to put my weight into it. "Open, goddamn you!" As I pulled, the cordless phone slipped, falling into my downstair neighbor's yard. "Oh, shit!" Remember that dog that likes to chew on sticks? The one that craps all over everything? He mosied over to our phone and began mashing his teeth on it.

The phone rang. It must have been Mrs. Vavoom. Of course, the dog didn't seem to mind the ringing. He simply backed off the phone, started barking at it and then really laid into it with his teeth.

All of his barking woke my neighbor. He came out into his yard. "Get, get," he yelled at the dog. "Hi there," I responded, "Could you help me? You see that phone down there... the one the dog was chewing on? Yeah, could you throw it up to me? Also, I'm trapped, my sliding door won't open..."

He threw the phone up to me and replied, "I can't help you get in. If you haven't figured out a way in within a half an hour, I'll call the management." Having said that, he quickly retreated back into his apartment. "Wait, wait... can you call now," I pleaded. It was too late. He was gone.

I was wearing my pajama bottoms and my trusted North Face jacket. I searched the pockets of my jacket and... yes! Our group's leatherman was in my pocket! I was looking for it the last few days. I guess I put it in my jacket and forgot to return it.

I pulled off the side veneering on the door and accessed the lock. Presto-changeo, I was in.

I'm not saying that I live a glamorous life, but it does get interesting...

p.s. I'm having trouble accessing the photos from our trip to the Caribbean. I promise I'll post about our vacation.


Blogger European said...

That post has just about everything: animals, crap, addictions, being trapped in a small space, drama, apathy, McGuyver-esque resourcefulness and a happy ending (except for the phone). I almost cried.

11:40 AM  
Blogger Denise said...

Your neighbor was going to make you wait a half hour? Has he been outside in Boston on a January morning? He must have thought you were a polar bear.

Ah, those tiny balconies....I hope you at least have a decent view.

11:45 AM  
Blogger Lily said...

Sounds like something right out of a tv sitcom. :)

7:32 PM  
Blogger Davydgrey said...

Hey didn't I see this on an episode of Friends? Welcome back Vavoom.

8:55 PM  
Blogger RT said...

Oh my god, that's so funny! The things we'll go thru for a smoke...

I don't know Denise, I probably would have made him wait too, but I would stood there eyeballing him instead of running away ;o)

1:23 AM  
Blogger An80sNut said...

Did you find out who called? And what'd you clean the phone with?

4:44 AM  
Blogger Meow said...

Only in the movies and only in your life V.
(thanks for sneaking in the courtesy crap humor) LOL

7:38 AM  
Blogger Teri said...

I am just shaking my head. Welcome back.

10:30 PM  
Blogger Bar Bar A said...

I love European's comment! Good thing you had your handy Leatherman with you!

11:38 AM  
Blogger Bruce said...

I thought shit like that only happened to me. Nice to know I'm not the only klutz around here, lol.

5:07 PM  
Blogger Fred said...

Another Vavoom post that mentions crap. And sh*t. I missed your take on life; welome back.

And, quit smoking, will you? We need you around for a long time to give us your unique outlook on life.

10:23 PM  
Blogger Linny said...


isn't it funny how we speak to objects (such as your door) when we are frustrated??? as if it was gonna go... "oh, okay, sorry, didn't know you really wanted to get in... "

7:24 AM  
Blogger RT said...

Did you go on another vacation, Vavoom?

10:11 AM  
Blogger dusty said...

LMAO..great story V..all the rock sweet man :)

10:37 PM  

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