Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Down boy, DOWN!

Normally, Prof. Bigshot has the group favorite take care of his house and dog while traveling. Well, the group favorite was also out of town. Guess who got to take care of the dog? Yeah, that's right. Me.

I've never owned a dog. I've had every other type of pet imaginable. Naturally, I was excited to take care of him.

As always, everything I do has a bizarre outcome. Behold:

The dog has a fixed schedule. At 6AM, he needs to be fed and given water. Immediately afterwards, he needs to go outside to poop. I got to the house a tad late. 6:30 AM. I turned off the alarm to Bigshot's palatial estate. As I entered, I went downstairs to let the dog out of his cage. Yes, he's kept in a cage all day. I know, it sucks. Anyways, I fed the dog, gave him water and decided to get him riled up before taking him for a walk. Why not? I mean, he's about to go outside. Let's get him excited, right?

Wrong.

I played with him for about half an hour. He started jumping around frantically. Suddenly he started sniffing the floor rather strangely. To my horror, he squatted down and decided to take a massive dump on Bigshot's floor. "No," I yelled out. Apparently he thought we were still playing. After stomping all over his crap, the dog then jumped up on me and started trying to hump me.

"Down boy, down!" He was having way too much fun spreading his seed and smearing poop all over me. Overtures of "bad dog," had little effect on his thrusting. Trust me, this is not my preferred brand of sex. Finally, he relented. Now there was shit all over me, the dog and the floor. Lovely.

I cleaned up the mess and took him for a long walk. Let me tell you, Bigshot's dog is one horny bastard. He also tried to mount a cocker spaniel during our one hour trip.

For some reason, I seem to think I'll score far lower on a purity test after all of that.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Where Is Vavoom?

Well, as you probably realize, I've been an absentee landlord here on Tedrow Drive. What the hell is going on?

Well, I may have a huge opportunity to publish a fiction novel. Yes, you read that right. A very accomplished writer (think National Book Award) appears willing to help me get my work out there. Between experiments, teaching, courses and now this book, I just can't figure out how I'm going to find time to blog.

I'm committed to keep this blog running. I'm just not sure how this is all going to work out... Please be patient while I sort it all.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The Sliding Door.

On my first day back to work, I woke up ready to take on anything. I slid out of bed and proceeded to conduct my morning rituals. You all know that I smoke. Yes, I've tried quitting. I typically go out on our tiny balcony for my morning smoke. When I say our balcony is tiny, I mean it. I measures about 9 inches in depth, 5 feet in width.

Like I was saying, I stepped out onto the balcony and lit up my cigarette. It was like any other morning. The birds were singing, below me I saw that the neighbors dog yet again managed to escape and was crapping all over my other neighbor's yard. That damn dog is always carrying a stick around. A couple times I've seen it crap with a stick in it's mouth. Not a bad way to go, if you're crapping.

I usually carry our cordless phone out with me during my morning smoke. Mrs. Vavoom usually calls to bid me good morning and I wouldn't want to miss that call. I'd finished up my smoke, turned slightly to open the sliding door. It was stuck. No matter how much I pulled on the damn thing, it wouldn't open.

I proceeded to put my weight into it. "Open, goddamn you!" As I pulled, the cordless phone slipped, falling into my downstair neighbor's yard. "Oh, shit!" Remember that dog that likes to chew on sticks? The one that craps all over everything? He mosied over to our phone and began mashing his teeth on it.

The phone rang. It must have been Mrs. Vavoom. Of course, the dog didn't seem to mind the ringing. He simply backed off the phone, started barking at it and then really laid into it with his teeth.

All of his barking woke my neighbor. He came out into his yard. "Get, get," he yelled at the dog. "Hi there," I responded, "Could you help me? You see that phone down there... the one the dog was chewing on? Yeah, could you throw it up to me? Also, I'm trapped, my sliding door won't open..."

He threw the phone up to me and replied, "I can't help you get in. If you haven't figured out a way in within a half an hour, I'll call the management." Having said that, he quickly retreated back into his apartment. "Wait, wait... can you call now," I pleaded. It was too late. He was gone.

I was wearing my pajama bottoms and my trusted North Face jacket. I searched the pockets of my jacket and... yes! Our group's leatherman was in my pocket! I was looking for it the last few days. I guess I put it in my jacket and forgot to return it.

I pulled off the side veneering on the door and accessed the lock. Presto-changeo, I was in.

I'm not saying that I live a glamorous life, but it does get interesting...

p.s. I'm having trouble accessing the photos from our trip to the Caribbean. I promise I'll post about our vacation.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Happy New Year!

We're back from the Caribbean. We had a fanstastic trip. I'll post some photos later.

I want to wish you all a very happy new year!