Down boy, DOWN!
I've never owned a dog. I've had every other type of pet imaginable. Naturally, I was excited to take care of him.
As always, everything I do has a bizarre outcome. Behold:
The dog has a fixed schedule. At 6AM, he needs to be fed and given water. Immediately afterwards, he needs to go outside to poop. I got to the house a tad late. 6:30 AM. I turned off the alarm to Bigshot's palatial estate. As I entered, I went downstairs to let the dog out of his cage. Yes, he's kept in a cage all day. I know, it sucks. Anyways, I fed the dog, gave him water and decided to get him riled up before taking him for a walk. Why not? I mean, he's about to go outside. Let's get him excited, right?
I played with him for about half an hour. He started jumping around frantically. Suddenly he started sniffing the floor rather strangely. To my horror, he squatted down and decided to take a massive dump on Bigshot's floor. "No," I yelled out. Apparently he thought we were still playing. After stomping all over his crap, the dog then jumped up on me and started trying to hump me.
"Down boy, down!" He was having way too much fun spreading his seed and smearing poop all over me. Overtures of "bad dog," had little effect on his thrusting. Trust me, this is not my preferred brand of sex. Finally, he relented. Now there was shit all over me, the dog and the floor. Lovely.
I cleaned up the mess and took him for a long walk. Let me tell you, Bigshot's dog is one horny bastard. He also tried to mount a cocker spaniel during our one hour trip.
For some reason, I seem to think I'll score far lower on a purity test after all of that.